Friday, September 9, 2011

to Battle

I find it intriguing that when one talks about depression it is usually accompanied by the word 'battle'.
'I battle depression'

That is what it is - a constant fight.  Taking up arms to wage war against ones inner self. 

The hardest thing to do, is to explain to someone, who has never had to 'battle' despairing emotions, what it is to feel depressed. 

'You have it so good Rachel - you are blessed with love and family, a roof over your head.... what on earth would make you depressed???'
WOW - Its like I do not know how good I have it... Like I am an idiot or something. 
Depression does not just plague stupid people you know!
And this is why it is called a BATTLE.
I know what I have! Oh I know, I know, I know!!!  And I fight so hard for all these things. 
I wage war against my self to some how stave off the internal vacuum threatening to pull me down into despair. 

I hold onto my faith and I fight! oh how I fight!
But like any battle, it plays havoc on my strength,
for blood and sweat there is tears and rage, frustration and anger.
At times I get so tired and mad that I have to wage this war. 
My energy is spent - my sword is to heavy and my shield so cracked. 
I just want to lay down and let go. 
Then I get mad that I can't give up!
I have no strength and yet I am strong because I do not quit. 
I am so weak and yet not weak enough to let go. 
How can I give up? 
I fight for me, and thus I fight for my family.
But they do not truly see how I battle - no body does.
People need to think more on the word 'battle' when considering depression.
 - a hostile encounter or engagement between opposing military forces
- a fight between two ...
- any conflict or struggle
- to work very hard or struggle

The Prisoner

This Poem by Emily Bronte has captured me.
In the most poetic way I can put it - I love it! It speaks to me.
Emily Bronte 1818-1884
The Prisoner
Still let my tyrants know, I am not doom'd to wear
Year after year in gloom and desolate despair;
A messenger of Hope comes every night to me,
And offers for short life, eternal liberty.
He comes with Western winds, with evening's wandering airs,
With that clear dusk of heaven that brings the thickest stars:
Winds take a pensive tone, and stars a tender fire,
And vision rise, and change, that kill me with desire.
Desire for nothing known in my maturer years,
When joy grew mad with awe, at counting future tears:
When, if my spirit's sky was full of flashes warm,
I knew not whence they came, from sun or thunder-storm.
But first, a hush of peace--a soundless calm descends;
The struggle of distress and fierce impatience ends.
Mute music soothes my breast--unutter'd harmony
That I could never dream, till Earth was lost to me.
Then dawns the Invisible; the Unseen its truth reveals;
My outward sense is gone, my inward essence feels;
Its wings are almost free--its home, its harbour found,
Measuring the gulf, its stoops, and dares the final bound.
O dreadful in the check--intense the agony--
When the ear begins to hear, and the eye begins to see;
When the pulse begins to throb--the brain to think again--
The soul to feel the flesh, and the flesh to feel the chain.
Yet I would lose no sting, would wish no torture less;
The more that anguish racks, the earlier it will bless;
And robed in fires of hell, or bright with heavenly shine,
If it but herald Death, the vision is divine.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Words that speak to me

Broken * Vulnerable * Truth * Beauty * Open * Scared

I see what is broken and feel a sense of pleasure
But to talk about this would make me liable to emotional hurt.
It would make me accessible - a place where others can see the truth.
To be uncovered.
But aren't we all broken, fragmented.
The beauty of broken, that sense of pleasure, is that in some way EVERYONE can relate to the word BROKEN.
And this is BEAUTIFUL.
It is said that to open your self up to vulnerability is to begin the healing process... people pat you on the back and say "way to go" - your awesome, I am SO proud of you.
I do not crack myself open to get a pat on the back.
I crack myself open to show you the beauty of BEING broken. That is where the healing begins, in the strength of vulnerability. (taking off the bandage and exposing the wound to the air)
Vulnerable. Broken. and unexpectedly BEAUTIFUL
Yes, it takes courage... So I ask, what is stopping you from being courageous... broken... vulnerable....

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Elephant in my life

I am beautiful, out going and can bring life to any room I walk into. People tell me I am amazing and they are considered blessed to know me.......
It doesn't make sense to some, when I tell them that I BATTLE depression.
The Elephant in my life.

Depression is a hard concept to grab for those who have never been there. It is so easy to just tell the person to get over it... suck it up butter cup...
Depression has a stereo type for being simple and stupid and something that is easily cured.
There is nothing simple or stupid about it.
If you can not wrap your brain around it, this doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

It is not easy having to tell people that depression is a part of my life...
It is so a part of my life, that when I talk to friends and family, I want to tell them.................
But I don't. Stereotypes stop me. And so I suffer even more.
The last thing a person with depression needs to hear is that they just need to get over it. When dealing with something of this caliber, something that is not seen but felt, something that is so hard to explain - getting over it can just mean ending it.
If no body gets you.............. whats the point.

The funny thing is I get so mad when people commit suicide. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But I think about it all the time............... How ever, its not that I want to die. I just get so tired of living. I get so tired of being tired and fucked up. I get so tired of dealing with this damn elephant nobody can see and not many people understand.

Being raised as a Christian does not help either. Christians DO NOT get depression (meaning Christians as people do not understand depression).... It is something that should be so easy to fix... 'the Joy of the Lord will be your strength' - God will heal you etc etc etc.

I remember when I first started taking anti depressants... it was such a low blow to me,
I shouldn't have to rely on drugs to make me feel like a normal human being... but the truth was, I NEEDED them... my marriage was suffering, I was suffering... so I go on them and no body knows, because its a christian 'taboo'. And then I am out with some family members, and they sit there and talk about how anti depressants are a joke, all any one needs to do is go to God and he will save them from their depression'.................
The truth of the matter is, God does save me all the time -
"Be still and know that I am God" is what I say to my self all the time.
Think about a pond, when all is clear and calm you can throw a pebble into the water and see the ripples of that pebble across the entire pond.... but when life is a storm and the waves are crashing, when you throw a pebble into the water you can not see the ripples at all.... "Be still"
"Be still and KNOW I am God".

I suffer from an unknown, not well understood, condition. Like someone who has diabetes, or cancer, however unlike any of these conditions, there is not evidence of it.... you don't see it on a chart or x-ray, you can not gage it with a blood test. It is a feeling, a deep sense of sorrow that pulls at the back of your eyes, that plays games in your head. You can not shake it off, or suck it up, and you definitely can not pretend that it is not there. And worst of all, you can not really truly explain it.
It is at some times a giant Elephant that hangs around and at other times it is a smaller Elephant, but it doesn't go away. Drugs help, vitamins help, but they do not take it away completely.
Talking about it helps, understanding helps and most definitely support helps.
Pretending that it is nothing and treating it like it is a stupid, bull shit issue only add to the intensity of IT.
IT is there, what is it? An Elephant? A feeling? A condition? What ever it is, it just IS. And it needs to be taken as such.
I know that I am an 'amazing' person, I also know what I deal with on the inside all the time. I am tired of being quite. It is time to talk about the Elephant in my life... because I know that I am not the only one who has one, and it is time to come to terms with that.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Coward or Courage

Some times I wonder what pushes me forward.

Is it the fear of being a coward,

or the fact that I am couragous.


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Wondering Why

I am no longer a child, I am a mother, wife, and some would say an adult (even though I do not feel like one). There are many times I find myself wondering WHY... Why this life, Why me... and then I find myself thinking of a poem I wrote some time when I was a teenager (probably 97, 98sih), and it gets me threw another day.

I live this life you've handed me,

And wonder Why?

So imperfect and full of shadows,

But who can live it better then I?