Friday, September 9, 2011

to Battle

I find it intriguing that when one talks about depression it is usually accompanied by the word 'battle'.
'I battle depression'

That is what it is - a constant fight.  Taking up arms to wage war against ones inner self. 

The hardest thing to do, is to explain to someone, who has never had to 'battle' despairing emotions, what it is to feel depressed. 

'You have it so good Rachel - you are blessed with love and family, a roof over your head.... what on earth would make you depressed???'
WOW - Its like I do not know how good I have it... Like I am an idiot or something. 
Depression does not just plague stupid people you know!
And this is why it is called a BATTLE.
I know what I have! Oh I know, I know, I know!!!  And I fight so hard for all these things. 
I wage war against my self to some how stave off the internal vacuum threatening to pull me down into despair. 

I hold onto my faith and I fight! oh how I fight!
But like any battle, it plays havoc on my strength,
for blood and sweat there is tears and rage, frustration and anger.
At times I get so tired and mad that I have to wage this war. 
My energy is spent - my sword is to heavy and my shield so cracked. 
I just want to lay down and let go. 
Then I get mad that I can't give up!
I have no strength and yet I am strong because I do not quit. 
I am so weak and yet not weak enough to let go. 
How can I give up? 
I fight for me, and thus I fight for my family.
But they do not truly see how I battle - no body does.
People need to think more on the word 'battle' when considering depression.
 - a hostile encounter or engagement between opposing military forces
- a fight between two ...
- any conflict or struggle
- to work very hard or struggle

1 comment:

  1. I love you Rachel. The battle wages life and death of a different sort, doesn't it.. not of blood and bones, but of time and smiles.. and just when strength depletes and victory seems lost, the Rider on the White Horse comes to pull us up off the battle field onto his horse and carries us to safe ground, where he provides the rest and ointment to our wounds before being sent back out again to another war. sometimes we must go and fight with wounds still oozing, others are scars left in full view that tell our opponents that we are not new to this fight. We will keep standing, we will keep rolling up our sleeves and drawing up our swords even when we do not even have the energy left to tie our shoes.. it is often here that the most beauty occurs. in our weakness, He truly is strong. in our frailty of flesh, He truly is our refuge.. and after all is said and done, our Spirits are actually humongous giant balls of flaming fire that the darkness can never succeed at extinguishing - and although we feel like we have fallen time and time again, like you said, it is our brokenness that reveals true BEAUTY.